Heartbreak

“Love doesn’t happen overnight,love doesn’t argue about what’s wrong or what’s right and don’t expect to find a love that will last ,if the place you are searching is in the past,love is hard to find , it’s even harder to let it go , don’t settle for something because that’s what you know ” retrieved from poems by Erin M Carmichael (Minoza):Title ;”Don’t look Back .”

There’s no painful heartbreak like that of one, that was your soulmate. This is because apart from letting go of them, you will also have to let go of the spiritual attachment you had for this person. It feels like unending agony. The lamp on your throat, the chest pains, the lack of sleep, the unwinding of your stomach, the shock, the denial. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, for a while nothing will seem to matter but yet your obligation will remain constant and you have to show up even when you don’t feel like doing anything.

Your nights are filled with tears, your morning filled with grief for you are still mourning for you are at a loss yet he or she hasn’t died. Days feel like it is dragging but the pain is overwhelming, as you walk you cannot help but drag your feet for the weight on your shoulder is unbearable and you just keep sighing hoping it will be a little bit easy on you.

Everything seems to make you cry and the chance you get to laugh you try to laugh harder ,thinking it will deplete the pain but you just have to be steady even when your body is shaking because of tremors in your brain.

Then you start to doubt if he truly loved you or if you were delusional all along, was he or she playing a game on you but yet some of the gestures were so thoughtful but now you can never know.

You think like in the movies, you will be surrounded by numerous friends holding your hand. In the morning forcing you out of your bed but you come to realize, you’re by yourself. You alone can wipe your tears and force yourself to move. And the journey will be lonely unless you master the strength to look for help. And yet when you seek therapy, the schedule is against thee, you needed to be scheduled now, the Therapist proves to be unavailable, and all odds seem against you. When you are about to give up, you find sleep and though your heart is heavy you sleep hoping that in the morning, it was all but a dream.

You wake up in the morning the heaviness is still there, you feel like the pain is in the back of your mind unconsciously present but it lingers so close, you can feel it in your veins.

Normally when we go through heartbreak we resume working on ourselves, not that I find wrong with that but it shouldn’t distract you from the painbut help you deal with the pain. People will also nudge that this is an opportunity to work on ourselves but if we are honest with ourselves we will always work on ourselves, that is a lifetime obligation. Sometimes it is okay to admit that it is just painful.

When the rain stops pouring and the thunder keeps roaring and amid the storm, you start to see clearly, that all this period, you had fallen in love with the assumption of this person in your mind. You see clearly how it was all a lie, the game played was chess and the pawn was you all along, just going with his or her whims, it is only right now when the dust has settled that you get a glimpse of who he or she was and it is baffling how you saw green when it was all painted red. The hints were clear, only to realize what a fool you made yourself and the friends marvel because all along they knew his ways, just surprised by your blindness. Justifying his actions but all along he was moving around playing you like a pawn, giving you excuses that I need space. What is space? when you are busy masquerading as faithful only to realize this ungrateful being that has no shame of being unfaithful? What is space? I thought you took time to heal, busy moving around looking for someone to grind. What is space? I thought you were working, busy lying to every soul you meet. What is space? Does time matter to you or are you teaching yourself to master how to gaslight every loving soul? I rest my case may the universe be the judge of your action, no longer part of the game.

UNDERSTANDING THE IMAGE OF DESPONDENCY.

When people talk about depression what comes to mind? There is a song by Blacklite District cannot really recall what the title of the song but the lyrical words goes like this ”There is a long road in front of ya, there is a hard life behind ya, there is a war been waged inside ya, you got big footsteps to follow, you got a soul that’s barely hollow, and that is a hard pill to swallow…what happened? How did everything turn so cold? We can talk about it ’til I’m turning blue in the face, I can laugh about it, joke about it never the same, I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t cause any pain, It’s a never-ending cycle that just can’t be tamed.

People don’t understand that depression is a very lonely road that many don’t comprehend. There are many times you will fight alone, and cry alone because no one cares about your pain and if they do they can’t comprehend it, for this reason sometimes it is just easy to give in to suicide because the pain can be draining and exhausting physically and emotionally. One way to describe depression is that you are a walking dead. Your inside is dead but you are physically alive. Another way is you are just hopeless.

Depression manifests itself in slightly subtle ways, you find yourself crying just out of the blue and you cannot really pinpoint what is causing such an emotional outburst. It is the moments you feel nothing matters, waking up becomes a big task, and dressing up feels like a  big task that you don’t have time for. You either find yourself eating too much or eating less, if you find yourself eating too much because you are trying to compensate for the feeling of loneliness or lack of happiness, to fill the void you overeat while those eating less because they cannot get themselves to eat anything, they are overwhelmed by anxiety.

Paranoia is one of the things you might experience when depressed, this is a result of experiencing anxiety. This may be because you are more on edge and you find yourself worrying about it. At this point your mind becomes your enemy you find yourself creating conflict that does not really exist or you find yourself isolating yourself because you are afraid that you might be hurt. This might eventually affect your relationship with people because you either isolate yourself or you become silent, less jovial about life or you just become disinterested in everyone because in any case in your head you presume that eventually, they will hurt you.

Loneliness, I know have talked a bit about loneliness, one of the things that I do persistently experience is the feeling of loneliness, it is when my brain tells me that I am unloved, that no one can be there for me but sometimes you cannot help it but feel that way because people do not love you at your lowest, they just want to see you in your happy moments and that is the hardest pill you have to swallow.

Faking, when is too hard for other people to fathom what you are going through, you find yourself mastering the art of faking happiness, that is why it is hard sometimes for other people to fathom how someone who really looked happy and seemed to have figured out his or her life has decided to put his own life to a permanent halt.

Personality changes, when you experience depression sometimes you find yourself losing little pieces of yourself, if you were a bubbly very extroverted individual you become more introverted, you find yourself withdrawing from people, and you lose interest in the things that you deeply cherish. You also find yourself developing destructive habits that you get addicted to; for example, you find yourself you get intoxicated a lot, overeating, addicted to shopping, you become addicted to sex, cutting, addicted to toxic people or partners, and find it hard for you to let go, unconsciously you find yourself doing it even when you want to stop. The most painful part about this is ,one day you look into the mirror and there is no shadow or traces of who you are.

The cause of depression is; trauma, after giving birth you might suffer postmortem depression,  certain unexpected changes can be a cause,  and the loss of a loved one among many others. Every person experiences depression in different ways which is why therapy that works for you, might not work for me.

Finally, depression in itself is a journey even though it can be a rollercoaster, I find myself appreciating that I can experience every form of emotion most deeply and the heart of compassion grows inside me, it can be hard sometimes but we still hang in there and when we do not get the help we need, we keep trying until we find it and when depression manifests itself and breaks the barriers of years of therapy and medication, we go back to the drawing board, we relieve our pain by venting through creative art, we channel the pain in our work, we try to live our best life even when there is the urge to end it all. We call out to the Heavenly  Father or get deeply into our various forms of spirituality and hope that it will help us heal or cry till the tears run dry.

I wish you all peace as you find yourself in the midst of the unwavering storms of life.

 

 

   

We are all Narcissists

“In a conversation we are all champing at the bit to talk , to tell our story to give our opinion.We like people who share our ideas they reflect back to us our good taste .If we happen to be assertive , we see assertiveness as a positive quality because it ours , whereas others , more timid , will rate it as obnoxious and value introspective qualities” assertion by Robert Greene in his book ,The laws of human nature.

There is a day one of my cousins told me to my face that I’m a narcissist but in my defensive mind, I was telling myself ” no I’m not a narcissist, just into self-love. “I don’t know which kind of narcissism he was referring to, toxic narcissism or healthy narcissism. Healthy narcissists have a strong sense of self and they gracefully are aware f their flaws, they have perfected the art of self-love and empathy. Toxic narcissists have a strong appetite for attention and they are masters of disguise, they only see the world through their lens. So I guess with this knowledge you realize that we are all narcissists, it just depends on your degree of narcissism.

I know you might be wondering why I’m saying self-love is just a form of healthy narcissism. Self-love is a result of how we view ourselves, self love makes us feel worthy and enables us to have a correct self-assessment of ourselves, making one know her strength and accept her flaws. So to have self-love you have to assess your self-image. According to Robert Greene self-image operates as a thermostat helping us regulate our doubt and insecurities and in constructing a self, we can hold on to love those who lack a coherent sense of self are people who are considered deep narcissists {The extreme self-absorbed individuals)

If you come to think of it, most things people do for self-gratification, it is not necessarily wrong to gratify yourself but some take it too far. For example, some people become philanthropists not because they want to be helped but to be validated or to just feel good about themselves.

According to Dr Valarie Young, there are five subgroups of Narcissistic personalities ; The perfectionist , superwoman /man , the natural genius , the soloist and finally the expert.

The superwoman or man are individuals who are convinced that they are imposters amongst real-deal colleagues,t hey tend to push themselves harder to measure up but this is just a false cover-up for their insecurities and the too much pressure and work overload they give themselves may end up affecting their mental health and relationship with other people.

Perfectionists usually set excessively high goals for themselves and when they fail to reach a goal, they experience major self-doubt and worry about measuring up. They can be controlled freaks feeling like if they want something they have to do it themselves.

Young posited that people with natural genius competence believe they need to be natural “genius”, they judge based on ease and speed as opposed to their efforts. A good example that she pointed out is; if they take long to grasp something they feel shame.

The experts measure their competence based on their knowledge and what they can do . They believe they can never know enough thus they fear being exposed as inexperienced.

Soloists are depicted by Young as sufferers who feel as though asking for help reveals their fakeness. Young added, “It’s ok to be independent, but not to the extent that you refuse assistance so that you can prove your worth.”

I don’t know if you people can see a little of ourselves in Young’s category of narcissism?If you do , you realize that we all need to work on ourselves, so how can you overcome narcissism?

The major solution for navel-gazing proposed by Robert Greene is to socialize and empathize. Through socializing you realize that the world does not revolve around you hence you will be less self-entitled. Empathy helps you understand the value system of another person which is always different from our own because of our different childhood upbringing. Empathy helps you to be less self-absorbed.

Addressing Impostor syndrome

I have you ever felt like you are a fraud despite people around seeing you as big deal ? Then you should buckle up your belt for we are going on a ride of conceptualizing this issue after having a period of 400 years of silence before Christ , just goofing am not really a higher deity like God but my moment of silence is comparable to that period of silence in the Bible .For a moment I did experience a writers block but I am back .

Before I digress any further Imposter syndrome can be described as a presumption of doubt in yourself with respect to your worth , you feel you are fraud despite deservingly achieving your goals.It is characterized by an inability to realistically access your competence ,belittling your achievements , attributing your success to external factors, over- achieving , sabotaging your own success, self doubt and setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short.

I came across this word for the first time when I was trying to put a word to the feeling I had because I was really finding it very difficult to take appreciation for my work.I felt like it does not matter what I do nothing was enough for me , my obsession for everything to work as I desire became toxic and overwhelming.It is only when I did experience a burnout and felt paralysed by anxiety that I sought for help and discovered the word imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome can be a source immense motivation to excel in your work, you may find yourself over preparing or work extra harder or even become workaholic in order to suppress the assumption in your mind that you are a fraud but the down- side of this is that after excelling, the believe you are fraud never goes away ,the more you excel the more you feel like a fraud so you might never get to enjoy your success.

Another problem with this condition; It makes you agonize over smallest mistakes or flaws in your work , if the condition persist you develop anxiety that may lead to depression.

Some of the triggers for this situation is common when you’re going through a transition and when trying new adventure.Having low self efficacy can be a trigger, perfectionism , neuroticism ( personality trait linked to high levels of anxiety, insecurity, tensions and guilt ).

There are five subgroups of individual prone to impostor syndrome categorized by Dr .Valarie Young as follows;The perfectionist :they set excessively high goals for themselves and when they fail to reach their goal as they expected they end up experiencing a major self doubt and worry about measuring up.They have a tendency of being an autocrat.

The second is the superwoman or man :They are convinced that they are phonies amongst real-deal colleagues therefore they push themselves harder to measure up in order to cover up their insecurities.

Natural Genius: The natural genius is the third category , they judge their competence based on ease and speed as opposed to their efforts .If they take too long to accomplish a task they feel shame.

The fourth Is the soloist : They are the lone sufferers .They are so independent that they refuse assistance so that they can prove their worth.

The fifth is the expert : They measure their competence based on ” what and how much they know or can do .Believing they will never know enough, they fear being exposed as inexperience.”

The remedy to this situation is don’t focus on doing things perfectly but rather do things reasonably,don’t fight the feeling of not belonging acknowledge your feelings then you will begin to unravel those believes that are holding you back , make realistic assessment of your abilities and refuse to let it deter you from pursuing your goals by forging forward .

Women liberation should not be an apple of discord.

There is someone who once told me that women should realize that it is not men who make women suffer but it is life. It is how we are biologically designed that leads to our woes not his exact word but paraphrase. As much as he had a valid point, It is evident that some men excarbate things further by holding on to archaic belives that are not only oppressive to women but bolster their anguish . Am not a toxic feminist but I am a feminist and I do understand the difficulties of a woman because I am a woman . I might not understand the struggles men go through but I always try to empathize with all forms of gender. I hope my writing will make men understand where we are coming from , when women are fighting for equity but it should be noted we understand we cannot be equal because of factors that are way beyond us .

It became so much of a debate between my friend and I , about how women have been given a silver platter when it comes to position in power because of the two-third gender rule . It has come to my attention that I did not really debate with him but I mostly disagreed but I never made my own point because I felt that I did not have my facts right.That is why I took the liberty to gain more clarity and am hopeful that you my readers will gain insight as I have . You should note our biggest bone of contention was the women representative seat , which is only eligible for women .

Because the women representative seat was our first disagreement I seek to address this matter first as I intentionally digress to other matters that might prove my point beyond a doubt .

The role of county women representative in Kenya is primarily to represent the women and girls in their counties . Article 97 of the Kenyan constitution creates the position of county women representatives. It stipulates in section (1)(b) that membership of National Assembly consist of county women representative as per the outcome of two – third gender law that aims at increasing the representation of women in parliament. The constitution under article 100 classifies women as a special interest group.Article 27(3) gurantees them equal opportunity in political sphere.

There role involves coming up with laws and policies that specifically target women and girls. Through parliament, they should lobby and advocate for equity and equal opportunities for women and girls. They should sponsor and engage in bills motion , resolutions that aims to address any disadvantage suffered by women and girls because of past and present discrimination in this way it will bridge a gap of gender inequality. It should be noted according Afrocave ; the role of county women representative in Kenya should not involve providing or meeting immediate needs for women and girls, that was not what the law intended but to advocate for long term policy intervention to find solutions to challanges facing women for example rather than donate sanitary pad, they should have government provide them for all school going girls.

According to UN women’s equal participation and leadership in political and public life are essential to achieving the Sustainable Development Goals (SDG) by 2030. In addition, as of 1st September 2021, their 26 women serving as heads of state and government in 24 countries and according to approximation of the UN at this rate equality in the highest position of power will not be reached for another 130 years. I couldn’t agree more because as you can all testify we are yet to have a woman as a president in any of the super power countries , we were about to have Hillary Clinton but yet we missed by a whisker . Just 10 countries have a woman as the Head of state and 13 countries have a woman Head of government. Only four countries have 50 per cent or more women in parliament in single or lower houses: Rwanda with 61 per cent , Cuba with 53 per cent , Bolivia with 53 per cent and United Arab Emirates with 50 per cent .

Movies like bridgerton clearly shows how women life was subjected to have one sole purpose to be married to a man. They could not persue their personal dreams even if they want to .Your mother will prepare you on how to dress up and seduce this man over having education and choosing your own path .Women who are independent were shunned and considered failures .This movie is a picture of how masculine society looks like , that is why feminist culture came to be . It is because of the suffrage movement which was pro- women liberation that now I can have the liberty to write to you and have a chance to be educated. It is worrying, how we did not even have a right over our own bodies , we could not decide for ourselves when to be expectant, we did not even have a right to vote or even have opinion about political issues.

One of the major reasons for encouraging women representation in power is so that they can champion for issues of gender equality such as elimination of gender based violence , parental leave and child cares pensions, gender equality laws and electoral reform .When women are given position of power they are able to make bold decision that is unique to their traits , they help make team environment less authoritative and more cooperative bringing a family like feel to the team , thus bringing new culture in leadership.

Talking of culture, I guess we should understand the masculine and feminine culture . In reference of Geerte Hofstede ; a masculine culture or masculine society is one that stresses different expectations for men and women. In masculine culture, men are expected to be assertive, competitive and focused on material success. While women are expected to be tender, nurturing and focused on quality of life, a good example of countries which practice this culture are like China , Japan and Mexico. In contrast a feminine culture or feminine society is one where gender roles are fluid.Both men and women are equal , both genders are expected to be nurturing and focused on people and quality of life .Example of countries practising this culture is Sweden ,Norway, Finland , Netherlands and many others.

It is toxic feminism that has water- down what feminism true purpose was and right now if you proclaim you are a feminist, some men will be quick to think that you are this constant angry woman who hate men and everything to do with men .With the rise of toxic feminism, it has encouraged misogynist to justify their action against women .Right now in all the media spaces we hear this gender did this , that gender did that . It has become unending battle that serves no one .

The same way colonization did affect how we view ourselves as Africans, basically because our system of education and governs was a result of influence of our colonizer and our history stipulate the truth of our colonizer, it was inevitable for us not to have inferiority complex. Therefore we could also say that since masculine society was reigning for a long time , some women still suffer from inferiority complex and they lack the courage to go against the norm.That is why we find that it is hard for some women to vote for their fellow women. There is also the challange of religious views where some religious ideologies are against women leadership.When it comes to family I believe women can submit and can be leaders in their workplace, I believe that respect is earned , it easy to submit when you are loved and respected.

I do admire the aggressive nature of men and their ability to compete but it is also important for women to be given leadership positions because of their tenderness and nurturing ability so that we can strike a balance. I believe we can learn to appreciate our differences and see it as a strength rather than a cause of feud .

Cannot Serve God and a Mammon .

In my previous articles, I told you that I do not comprehend the purpose of my struggles and also yet to understand the invisible strings but right now I am slowly gaining the lessons and it feels like an epiphany and it feels promising to learn that the best teacher is experience and this lesson other people may not infer it but you will  be transformed not necessarily physically but emotionally and psychologically and you gain a new life perspective.One of the lessons that am learning is: learning not to be people pleaser.

I have kept saying yes to people and yet I never once stopped and said yes to myself. When I was struggling, I kept going to this group which I presumed that will build me and I consistently attended the meetings as much as I tried to make it work out for me, the more I lost myself, the more I was broken but I kept lying to myself that it will work out ( toxic positivity .) I did not know that the universe is emitting vibrational energy that was telling me it was time to let it go.Definitely, I dismissed those voices but the more I tried to fit into the group, the more I lost my” voice” until I felt nauseous and I did not attend the meetings, the few times I did attend ,no one even tried to ask me if I was okay but what they did is a guilt trip me for not attending the meetings.

It came to my attention that I am putting so much value on this group at the expense of my mental health. I was extremely worried that I did not attend those meetings but yet they did not even realize that I was not there, that is how insignificant I was to them. So to hell with pleasing, pleasing people is worthless.

I have always been vocalizing to others protect your space but yet I also did not understand what it meant, it is only now that I know that protecting your space is also choosing the right space for your well being, you cannot stick in a toxic environment and expect growth, you will only get more frustration, what may be a medicine to one may be a poison to another in this I mean ;just because certain spaces worked for another does not necessarily mean it will work for you because our circumstances are different. Also creating boundaries that are spelt out clearly for example only choosing places that are an enabler for growth and peaceful coexistence.

In as much as fame, money and recognition are important other things are of more value than the above for example your peace of mind, your worth, your values, your confidence, the ability to be assertive. It is easy for us to be caught up in the fast lane living that characterizes our today’s life. It is as if life has become all about chasing money.

Sometimes we have to learn when to stop and smell the roses. Fear of missing out (FOMO) can be a huge deter, because it makes you feel like you are obligated to show up for everyone and everything, in the end you become worn out and distressed .

I know it might be too late to talk about the slap by Will Smith ,after the Grammy Awards, it became quiet a discussion, in all platforms everyone was analyzing whether Will Smith slapping Chris the comedian was really warranted for.It all started by Chris joking about Jada Smith head and how she will fit in a certain movie character.Will smith found it funny but when he saw dissatisfaction in his wife’s face , Smith woke up on his feet and directly went to Chris and he smacked him.

Since the slap incident  ,it more clear than ever that the relationship between Jada and Will Smith has not been a work in the  park  , now everything is  in the open ,  Jada has kept on humiliating Will Smith and this has ripped him off his masculinity power , it’s clear she never got  over Tupac while Will has been trying over the years to meet her standards.She kept on making him look bad by cheating with his son’s friend with an excuse women need to be liberated to be free in their sexuality, not her exact words but just a paraphrase.It is clear Will was not appreciative of the open relationship element , it was not working out for him.

Will Smith did smack Chris not necessarily because he found the joke  offensive , going by his first impression , you will see Will was amused by the statement but the minute his saw his wife reaction , he went on defensive mode in order to please Jada but his  effort were futile because  Jada Smith later stated that she did not need defending , clearly his effort went unappreciated and right now he has humiliated himself .For so many years he has been an Icon someone I looked up to and I know so many young people did the same but seeing him reduce to what he his now,   rambunctious broken man ,all I could say is : I pity him and hope he goes back to the person he was, that hero who used to grace our screen .

I hope this serves as an example that there is no worth in pleasing people ,those people you try so hard to please, will keep on humiliating you .Learn to love yourself , learn to be assertive ,create boundaries that are non- negotiable .Do not push yourself too hard just to please   someone seek genuine love and profound pursuit and you should not only avoid the people who wish you wrong but flee from them .

Ralph waldo Emerson summarized it precisely by asserting ” Being yourself in a world that constantly trying to make you something else is the world greatest achievement.”

 

Invisible strings

“When I got enough confidence, the stage was gone…When I was sure of losing , I won.When I needed people the most , they left me .When I learned to dry my tears, I found a shoulder to cry on.When I mastered the skill of Hating, someone loved me from the core of their heart and while waiting for light for hours , when I fell asleep, the sun came out…That’s life!!”This words by Loren Sophia has never meant so much like it does now , It is only now that I get it .

Sophia Loren Italian actress

The first time I heard the word invisible strings was from someone who is really close to me , he is that one person who gets me more than anyone could at some point I even felt, him is me and me is him , that is how strong our bond is .He is that one person whenever we have a conversation,I get new zeal for life and he feeds my intellectual curiosity.The best way to describe our relation is Iron sharpens Iron .

Invisible strings are basically those insight of life that you can not demystify while you are in the process but when you reach the other end , you gain clarity.

The famous seventh century philosopher Baruch Spinoza said ” All happiness or unhappiness solely depend upon the quality of the objects to which we are attached by love ” .For me I was attached to him but lately seeing him drowning to the point he can’t speak up no more , breaks me, the fact that I have no control over the sickness that is ailing him makes me feel helpless.When your one to go person is no longer himself what do you do?Days pass by and it is getting dim.

Have been really craving so much to hug myself because there are days I feel like am losing myself everyday .My struggle with depression that stems from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has taken toll on me .I always have high demands on myself and sometimes I feel like am putting a lot of work with minimal breakthrough and lately everything has been crumbling on my face and have been experiencing all sort of roll coaster of emotions from burn out , to feeling inadequate and losing my confidence , it is like I no longer have energy to keep fighting .

Broken pieces of self as we try to fix the pieces of self .We lose to find ourselves.

Not one to give up on myself , have tried to salvage myself but it is hard to just depend on yourself .I thought the medicine will help but am done with the doses but the light is still dim , I thought at the end of the tunnel ,it would shine brighter.

There is nothing painful like looking at yourself and you realize that you have become the shadow of your former self , I never thought that one day my confidence will deplete, for the few days everything seems like it going south and am just rolling with the punches.Does it scare me that you people will get to know me like this?Yes it does ,it makes me vulnerable but I read in a certain book that encompassed on issues to do with vulnerability and it stated that ” Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable but they’re never weakness.”

My brother is my pillar and he is the one person I would have gone to but yet sometimes you don’t have control of how life is unveiling , right now I just have to be strong for him .I love to be in control but life has proven a couple of times that it does not work like that.

I had planned that this year I will be very consistent with my blog but the first few months have been very inconsistent , have broken down so many times and have lost myself to find myself but yet when I think am about to give up , I get a new energy.I may not understand the value of this struggles or I may not see the invisible strings that my brother stated but I know whatever does not kill you builds you.

Sophia Loren gave me insight by ending with ” …. No matter what you plan , you never know what life has planned for you .Success introduces you to the world but failure introduces the World to you .Always be happy!! Often when we lose hope and think this is the end , God smiles from above and says, Relax sweetheart,it’s just a bend not an end…!”

The woe of Ukraine while Russia is enterprising .

His Vladimir Putin the new antagonist in the world ?Will he be the new Hitler of the world ? that I let you be the judge as we look into the history and what is unveiling currently between Ukraine and Russia.

Vladimir Putin

For a long time I am of the opinion that Putin was prepared for this war with Ukraine .When leaders in Geneva were having a meeting during the Covid period Vladimir Putin was sending troops around the borders of Ukraine .For four months Putin vehemently denied that he would invade Ukraine but he still tore up a peace deal and he sent forces across boader in Ukraine’s north, east and south.

Currently according to news reports ;by air , land and sea, Russia has launched a devastating attack on Ukraine that lead to 50 deaths .Airports and Military bases were hit first then tanks and troops rolled into Russia, Russian- annexed crimes and through Belarus, am not surprised that Alexender Lokushenko the president of Belarus is in support of this , him and Putin come from the same flock of dictatorship mindset .If you look at this keenly you realize this is military strategy to weaken all the defense system of Ukraine so that it will be easy to subdue them , the strategy is to render them defenseless so that they can surrender and it is clear this was planned for a very long time going by the way Vladimir Putin is confident about what he is doing.

Aftermath of Russia attack on Ukraine, just one among many other buildings that were destroyed.

Why am I saying that the attack was pre- meditated, last year President Putin wrote a long piece describing Russians and Ukrainians as ” one nation “,it is clear that Putin wants to take back Ukraine to 1793 where it was part of the greater Russian empire.

Putin justifies his attack on Ukraine by claiming that he wants to protect the people who have been subjected to bullying and genocide and aim for the militarization and de- Nazification of Ukraine. I know you people are wise and you can get the irony of his statement .Ukraine is a democratic country and there has been no incidence of genocide since it’s independence so his claims are just ways of making the all incident seem right.

His other reasons for attacking Ukraine as reported is that he demanded that Ukraine never to join North Atlantic Treaty Organisation(NATO) but that the alliance turns back to 1997 and reverse its eastward expansion as well as he does not want NATO members to expand , he also wants the USA to stop protecting the E .European allies and the NATO troops out of E.Europe .If every nation was living according to president whims , I think we would have destroyed the world completely.

The map of Ukraine showing neighbouring countries

The unsaid reasons for the attack is that Ukraine is of strategic importance to Russia , there is also a preexisting territorial conflict between Russia and Ukraine .Before Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union but later it declared itself an independent country on 24th August 1991.Ukraine shares borders between the Europe union and Russia, the west side of Ukraine associate themselves more as part of the European union while the East side of Ukraine are more affiliated to Russia.Also Russian language is widely spoken in the Eastern side of Ukraine.In the East you can find both Ukrainians and Russian people .

Ukraine is yet to join NATO but 58% of the population are in agreement to Ukraine joining NATO while 62% want Ukraine to join European Union .Putin is also afraid that European union is having a great influence on Ukraine going by their choice of president , Volodymyr Zelensky who is of Jewish origin,he is afraid that Ukraine democracy is an impediment to his authority and influence in Ukraine.

Going back to the history of Ukraine will give us a fresh perspective of this . According to Putin a stable statehood hasn’t been built in Ukarine and he further justify that” it is an inherent part of our own history, culture and spiritual space” but is it true according to history?

In the middle ages there was a civilisation Kievan Rus based in Kiev and both Russia and Ukraine trace their origins back to that state .In 1793 Ukraine was part of the Russian empire under Catherine the Great , it was a subordinate part of the empire.During the revolution that ushered in the Soviet Union , Ukraine fought for independence and they lost and they were incorporated to the communist state in 1922.According Anne Applebaum Ukraine was a separate entity and it had it’s own language .It always had it own status under USSR.

Within a decade the Soviet Union leader , Joseph Stalin was fearful of an independent minded Ukraine and he made a decision to take away the land from the people and give it to the state ,this was strongly opposed by the people of Ukraine .He could not take their rebellion so he was determined to silence them and in 1932 he tried to exterminate the Ukrainians through hunger which came to be known as Holodomor ( Which meant extermination from hunger ).Holodomor was artificial famine caused not by natural events but a famine created by the Soviet state .They sent representative to the rural villages and they confiscated food from the people .Between 1932 and 1933 , 4 million Ukranians starved to death.

In” Red Famine ” a book written by Anne Applebaum recorded that people survived by eating frogs , toads , mice and bark of trees and it was also reported that some resorted to cannibalism to survive .What way of dehumanizing people.The second wave of Stalin terror was to arrest and murder Ukrainian intellectuals ,writers and artist .And then he finally changed the language of Ukrainians to be more similar to that of Russia.

According to Anne ,the attempt to eliminate Ukrainian sense of nationhood , has been Russian policy since 19th century, it was Czarist policy and later it was Stalin’s Policy and right now it’s Putin Policy.

What are other nations doing to help Ukraine ?Apparently there is nothing of significant they are doing because Biden President of US , Macron president of France, Boris Johnson prime minister of Britain have issued statements which is perceived as a barking dog with seldom bite because it seems that Russia is unshaken by those sanctions against it because while their sanctioning, China will be busy buying fuel from Russia and doing other business deals because as it is the custom of China to support anything against the West and North Korea as always is waiting for an alert to send out the missile , they are also in support of Russia.

The NATO defensive alliance has made it clear that they have no plans to send combat troops to Ukraine but so far members state have sent weapons and field hospitals.

At end the atrocities that Putin claims has been done is that which has been done by him and if he keeps on with this path he will wage a war against the world and forever written in history has the villain who started world war 3 after long period of prevailing peace and civilisation.

Coming to terms with the new year resolve.

When I started this year , I was excited like everyone to write a resolution and put down all my goals together , some did actually scare me because in my head I felt , can I really do it but I just did write them down .Two weeks later am sitting down and checking at my resolution to my dismay I was performing dismally.I did write , that I will only accommodate healthy relationship and that included keeping off unavailable individuals but yet I did the same mistake of giving chances to people who do not really value my existence.I thought in my head just because I had a series of exciting moments at the end of my previous year that things will roll out the same .To my dismay I was detached with the reality that I became a victim of toxic positivity .

Within those two weeks I did find myself lost and I could not understand why things are not going as planned , there were also thoughts in my head ,I kept on asking myself if I can really do it .The temptation of just going with flow was really enticing but even within this confusion, I got that aha! moment ; have realized sometimes it takes more than just writing down those goals , there must be environmental alignment : This means there must be environmental factors that push you .Have come to learn that even your hard work is not enough , there must be a divine purpose and divine grace and if does not work out today take those tiny baby steps , it will finally accumulate to something bigger , the secret is never stop moving forward .

I know you are probably wondering , what does she mean when she is saying divine grace and purpose. So let me explain in a very simple way .In a certain school known as school x they had an election and most aspirants were really viable for the president position.The election was full of funk and pomp , there others who did have celebrities campaigning for them and they did seem to be getting the position and they were others who were just seeking for a position but surprisingly the individual who got the president position was not the most famous person and it was not the person who really moved the crowd but a simple person who had never thought in her wildest dreams that she will get the highest votes and to our surprise most of the contestants for various position were the one who we deemed unpopular .So in my head , I was wondering what could have gone wrong because the popular guys had invested so much in the campaign and everyone was of the impression that the winner will obviously be the popular guy .There is this day that unfolding of the event of election lingered in my mind and as I was seeking to know,what might have transpired to make the perceived unpopular individual to win , and one the closet person in my life gave me an insight , she said “it is favour .”

That’s when I did fathom , when the good book says in Ecclesiastes ;the race is not to the swift or battle for the strong nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favour to the learned but time and chance happen to them all.

One of the ways to overcome the pressure of being overwhelmed by your dreams is celebrating those small wins and always be a realist , work with what you have and take it a step at a time . Learn also to forgive yourself when you fall but never stop making those steps forward .

Don’t be bob the builder be Dora the Explorer.

There was statement by a guy in south Africa that really trended because his statement seemed controversial and it really annoyed most women , at first I was also skeptical about his statement and I also did put a defensive mechanism like any other true feminist ready to wrestle him with his divergent views but in as much he annoyed most women , he was telling his truth unapologetically.

Basically this guy was just saying he was not settling for less.Most women have become a victim of trying to build some guy from scratch only for him when he gets wealthy,to go and find the woman of his dreams , basically you are a bench maker for the next woman .That is why the statement it is good to start with a guy from scratch and help him grow ,is an overrated statement.It is not wrong to want more for yourself as a woman.

The concept of staying in a relationship because you build that man to where he is or that woman to where she is is like buying your way to love but actually, it does not work like that. If someone loves you, he loves you regardless of your flows and if he treats you badly, he or she does not really like you. Learn to love yourself first so that it can reflect to people how you are addressed. Sacrificing yourself so much to this person without mutual reciprocation is just being a doormat and an indicator that you do not love yourself enough to know you deserve better.

I think some of us in one way or another we have become victims of being bob the builder and have fallen into a relationship where we are treated with contempt, then we get stuck in the relationship because we are afraid that you have invested so much, we keep staying hoping that our presumed lover will treat you better, if only you keep doing good to him, only for him or her to dump you and go to another man or woman. And to your dismay he or she ends up treating the other partner better than the way he treated you ,even without the other woman making any effort, then you start wondering what you did. All you did is offer yourself as a slave to this man.

Pardon me if I seemed too inclined to the female gender than the male gender.

This is because a large number of women do “simp”(lower one’s standard in exchange of affection) more than men, probably because they are biologically inclined to nurture, so being bob the builder comes easy for women while the men are more likely to go for what they like. When a man decides to go for a petite woman they will go for that, when he decides he wants a woman who has an hourglass figure they will go for that but for women even when they don’t like a guy or when they know he is nowhere close to her type, just because he has made a bare minimum effort they will go against themselves and give this person a chance only for her to be attached and then hurt.

Rationalizing is a big problem for women because, they think if I do more, he will like me right, if I change my body by going for plastic surgery he will look at me differently if I just forgive him for playing me and keep being the ” good girlfriend” he will love me and would not cheat again. Some of our parents especially African parents have nurtured us to believe it is good to start with someone from scratch that in the end ,it will bear good benefits but that is not how it works, you might end being the loser especially when you decide to invest in this person and forget to invest in yourself also.

I believe it is backward thinking to sacrifice your career or education with the influence of the perception that you are doing this for your partner to succeed first, only for you to be a housewife. I believe it is best to choose what is best for you, which will be beneficial for both of you. It doesn’t hurt for both of you to be successful. It seems wrong, to put yourself in a position where you are just a shadow of another person, please love yourself.

Disclaimer: While dating you are free to explore until that person puts a ring on your finger or make the relationship conclusive, you are free to date other suitors until you find one you believe is compatible with you. I call it intensifying your chances of getting the best out of skewed dating situations. Don’t get me wrong my lovely readers, am not saying you mess around with peoples feelings or sleep around, I mean do not assume anything if he has not made it clear, so don’t restrict yourself for a loss. Secondly don’t give husband privilege when he is just a boyfriend or don’t give boyfriend privilege when he is just a suitor, get things clear. Don’t sell yourself short when you can get the value of your worth.

Am tempted to put names to bob the builders who were left broken but because I do not want to be sued , I hope the above explanation has given you a glimpse of why you should not be bob the builder but Dora the Explorer. Part of being Dora the Explorer is never losing the following things because of a relationship; yourself respect, your individual and financial independence, your right to decide for yourself, your happiness ( don’t be stuck in an unhappy relationship that deprives you of happiness), your identity( don’t lose yourself trying to please your partner)

You can never sell gold at sh 100 because it is deemed precious, the same you should know that you need to love yourself, get to know your worth and never settle for less. Be the golden crown and explore till you get the value of your worth.